Matters of the heart

Ours was a relationship doomed right from the start. I knew it all long but I couldn’t help myself.  There always was this fascination on my part. It is probably because I have heard about you from a lot of people. You were always popular. I always heard about you from many of my friends. Many of them were in a steady relationship with you at various points in their lives.

I always told myself I should stay away from you. If I got to know you, I wouldn’t be able to help myself. I would fall hard for you. You were there everywhere. It was almost as if I couldn’t avoid you, as if it was Fate. We were just meant to be. Only, I knew, no good would come from us being together. So, I told myself over and over again, it was in my best interest to stay as far as possible from you. We all know that in matters of the heart, the mind always loses. Regardless of how hard I tried, the concept of ‘mind over matter’ didn’t work. I was drawn to you like an alcoholic to a peg of whisky, like a nymphomaniac to sex, like a pot-head to weed, like a sunflower to the sun, like bees to honey, like a nerd to books. I couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t avoid it.

I always told my friends, I hated you, that I couldn’t stand you. I always thought you are somewhat of a home-wrecker. I knew what you did to people. You made them want you, need you, made it impossible for them to live without you. You made them lose everything over you. You would get off on it, watching them worship you. It didn’t matter that in the end they would just stomp you with their feet. Those few moments of high you got from being loved so much, that was enough for you. I only wanted to avoid you as long as I live. I hoped to avoid people associated with you also. Life really is unpredictable. We somehow, ended up running in the same social circles. Almost everyone I knew, loved you and the others, tolerated you, save one. I hoped that her hatred for you would give me the strength to stay away from you.

They say, what’s meant to be is meant to be. I couldn’t resist you any longer. After all, I am only human. I still tried to avoid the inevitable, delay the certain. At last, I succumbed to your charms. I tried to convince myself I hated you still. After our first meeting, I knew deep inside that I was doomed but I couldn’t stop fighting. I avoided you. I still remember the first time I felt you against my lips. I felt guilty knowing what I had done. You know how sometimes friends like to play cupid? That’s what happened with us too. I may have successfully avoided you for the rest of my life but my friends made sure I didn’t. Fact was, no matter how much I denied it, I was unconditionally and conclusively in love with you. But I knew, we wouldn’t last forever. Someday, we would have to part ways. But right there, right then, you meant everything to me so nothing else mattered.

I wanted to keep our relationship a secret. It was like my dirty little secret. But it didn’t stay that way for long. I always wanted to spend more time with you. Every chance I got I only wanted to lock my lips with you. It didn’t matter where I was or who I was with. Rickshaws, cabs, Marine Drive, Carters, Tryst, Royalty, outside the movies, Barista, home and sometimes even in the middle of the road. I would see judgmental looks from all directions but I didn’t care. I had you and that was more than enough for me. I knew my parents would never approve of you. Hell, many of my friends didn’t. None of that mattered. It was you and me against the world.

Being an outstation student, coming home was the hardest time. It meant months without you. It was excruciatingly painful in the beginning but slowly, I learnt to be without you. Remember that time when we broke up for 5 months? I missed you so much then. Anytime, I would be alone, I would think about you. It was for the best. We wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Being around you was only slowly killing me, because I knew what the future had in store for us. Ultimately, I gave up. I am only human. I loved you too much. Life is too short to tread so carefully. So, I threw caution in the wind and got back together with you. The initial months were extremely passionate. I couldn’t get my hands of you. The passion slowly cooled down. I could spend hours without you, as long as I got to be with you often. Many of my friends thought that we were through and they were shocked to find about us again. What can I say? You just can’t avoid matters of the heart.

I love everything about you. How you look, how you smell, how you taste, how you feel against my lips. Everything about you only draws me closer to you. Right now, I can’t even imagine a life without you but like I said, sooner or later we have to part ways. You are not the love of my life and you know that very well. Recently, you have become quite high maintenance. I have started to spend so much more money on you but it doesn’t matter, I love you. You will always be special to me, “Gold Flake Kings”

Shooting stars are really angels throwing away their cigarettes before God can catch them 😉

2 thoughts on “Matters of the heart

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