How To Get Over The “Love Of Your LIFE”

Step 1: Stalk him

Sure, it sounds antithetical to the idea of getting over someone. But, remember this: the ratio of how much you stalk the boy, his relatives, friends and all the exes and probable love-interests of his life is directly proportional to how miserable you will feel. Make sure you invest your time into this step, because the more you feel like shit, the more sooner you are likely to get over him. You stalk him till you can list all his allergies, the names of all his pets (dead and alive), his siblings and his favourite movies, books and bands, both forward and backwards.

Step 2: Text him and then give up on life

If you are going to spend 9 hours straight stalking someone, sure enough your fingers are going to start itching. Its just texting, you will tell yourself. Now, some of your friends will tell you to just be a bawse and do it, and others will tell you to get a life. Ignore all of them and listen to your vajayjay. What is it telling you? The more intensely you wish you could do him, the more important it is that you text him. One of three things will happen:

  • He will text you back and you will have a lovely conversation
  • You will get a chance to be a part of one of the worst text-conversations since the inception of mobile phones
  • He will never text you back

The thing is, either way, at the end of it, you will feel like shit, because conversation or not, he ain’t ever gonna be into you, gurl.

Step 3: Make plans:

Convince yourself that this rabbit hole you are digging for yourself will really help you move on and make plans with him. Maybe go out for a few drinks. As you catch up, eyes hazing from the few too many drinks, maybe make a move? Or make up your mind to do that and then chicken out so you can beat yourself up over how you will most certainly die alone when you go to sleep ALONE that night. Maybe you can also obssess over the tiny details of that night over and over again until you can no longer breathe.

Step 4: Convince yourself that he is into your friend

Why wouldn’t he? He is hot, so is she. He would be nuts not be into her. I mean, there is nothing new about the boys you like being into your friends. It is like the one constant thing about your life. So, when he says something in passing about your friend, like, ‘Oh, she seems nice’ or ‘I think she is a fun person’, convince yourself that the only thing that line could mean is, ‘I AM SO INTO HER!’

Step 5:Hate your friend for a brief moment

This is going to sound very non-Gloria Steinem of me, and it makes every feminist bone in my body cringe, but I can’t help it. Hating your friend, the one who rubbed your back as you puked your guts out into the toilet or bought you dinner one too many times so that you don’t starve yourself to death, because you believe they are better than you, and hence better for your crush than you, is an unavoidable step. For a second, you will allow yourself to imagine the worst nightmare of yours and lose your sanity.

Step 6: Tell yourself that you have gone crazy

Gurl, you tripping it so hard, you just might be demented. I mean, first of all, he doesn’t like your friend. Even if he did, what could you possibly do about it? You didn’t even hit on him when you had the chance. Remind yourself that you are being a lame cry-baby and just get over him, already.

Step 7: Turn to meditation

Breathe in. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Breathe out. 5, 4, 3…Oh just give up, already. How the hell is meditation going to help you? What you should do, is meet him again. This time, bring on your A-game—be witty and super-flirty. But, you will never see through that plan, are you?

Step 8: Oh, who are you kidding?

The only reason that he won’t look at you is cause you a butt-ugly fat-ass piece of shit who doesn’t deserve love. Give into that spiral of self-loathing and negativity and just soak it all in. Make sure you let yourself believe that you are absolutely worthless and that you will never find love or any sort of happiness, EVER.

Step 9: Night out with the girls

Here the real healing begins. Go out drinking with your friends and obsess over this boy who has probably forgotten what you even look like.The number of drinks you have is directly proportional to how much you will wail that night. Go out drinking with your friends and obsess over this boy who has probably forgotten what you even look like. Start by cry internally. Then cry out loud on your way back home and freak out the auto driver who will then spent the reminder of the journey trying to ensure that you are not suicidal. FUN! But, the harder you cry, more massive the hangover the next day. Make sure you wake up with the mother of all hangovers. The worse the hangover, the less energy you have to think of him. Before you know it, he is ancient history.

Step 10: He is so yesterday

Gurl, you hella cute and crazy smart. Any boy would be lucky to just walk with you. If he doesn’t get it, he doesn’t deserve you. You can do better anyway. What about that really cute, yet another way-out-of-your-league guy that you met the other day. Maybe you can start obsessing over him, and start the cycle all over again.

Step 10+ Oh, he has put up a story. Omg. How cute is he?

If only you could just turn it of just like that. Ugh. Why does he have to be so darn adorable? I hate my life!

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Musings

I am stoned. I am watching The Mentalist. Season 2. Episode 6. I am laughing so hard. I can heart my heart go thump. thump. thump. thump. I can hear the blood gush into my ears. Suddenly, I realise I have been laughing so loud. So free. So gleeful. I thought back to the number of days I have been watching the show. I haven’t been laughing out loud. Not, until now. I have a flashback. This memory of me lying down on my corner bed in the hostel. I pull out the earphones out of my ears to hear my roommate ask which show I was watching because I was laughing so hard. I can see myself looking at the screen. F.R.I.E.N.D.S. How have I not been laughing for an fairly new show, until now?

Because. 

“Cross your legs while you sit!”

“But, why?”

“Because girls should not sit with their legs spread apart.”

“But, why?”

“Because, it’s not proper.”

“Don’t play cricket with those boys again!”

“But, why?”

“Because girls are not supposed to run wild.”

“But, why?”

“Because.”

“Don’t talk so loudly!”

“But, why?” 

“Because girls are meant to be seen, not heard.”

“Don’t stay out to late.”

“But, why?”

“Because, it will seem like you are asking for it.”

“Don’t dress like that!”

“Don’t date around so much.”

“Don’t drink so much.”

“Don’t wait too long to get married.” 

“Don’t put your career ahead of your family.”

“Don’t infuriate your husband.”

“Don’t wait for too long before you have kids.”

“Cross your legs while you sit!”

“But, why?”

A Crazy Ride

If the fact that ‘July 15th’ was the date glaring at me accusingly, the fact that it took me a while to get my password right was enough to make me feel real guilty. I have been trying so hard to find a perfect getaway I forgot that words are in fact the best possible way to get around all the bullshit that there is. I think that the universe finally decided that it’s high to get back at me and so all the bad karma I have been collecting has been catching up with me. It’s been a crazy ride up to this moment. July was the time when a drunk friend of mine accidentally sat on my laptop, thus rendering it useless. I guess, with that I just decided that I couldn’t update anymore. I could have easily borrowed any of my roommate’s laptop but I was a little too busy doing, god knows what.

This year turn out to be completely different than I ever hoped it would be. I shifted out of my hostel to a PG with Radhika. Radhika has been my friend since my boarding school days and it’s been few crazy years with her. We became friends out of the blue and we thought it wouldn’t last beyond school days. Destiny had other plans though. We both ended up in Bombay, just like we had hoped and with that another three years of madness followed. She has been there for me through thick and thin and so I know deep inside that despite all the bullshit, I will have her by my side when I need her. She knows all dirty secrets and fears, have been a part of almost all my happy days, the bad ones and even the embarrassing moments. We fight a lot and get mad at each other to the extent that we have been through those says when we thought we would never even speak to each other. It’s been one hell of a roller coaster ride, filled with exhilarating highs and gut-clenching downs. The best thing about roller coaster rides is that when we are done with one round we always want to go for more. Staying separately for the first two years made us a lot closer, especially because we weren’t fighting all that much. Then there was also the fact that it was that phase of our lives when all we wanted was to experiment and explore new territories. We had the first of our many drinks together on a random weekday evening because we realized it was ‘now or never’. We even had our first smoke together.

Anyway, two years in a hostel with really stringent rules was more than I could take despite all the crazy memoirs I made there. Anyone who has been in a hostel would know that the best part about living in a hostel is that feeling of exhilaration you get when you break the rules. Drinking in the hostel after the “lights-out” time is always more fun that drinking out and coming back sober. In a really twisted way, it was fun rushing through the traffic on the streets of Bombay to make it back to the hotel before 7:55 pm (our curfew). However, at some point you start craving for a life where you don’t want to worry about these silly things. You also start craving for some more freedom. I mean, after all, isn’t college also a lot about having the best time of your life. So, I shifted out to her PG and since then, life as I knew it changed. Suddenly, it all seems like a blur. How did everything just change so suddenly that I hardly recognize my life anymore?

Shifting into a PG was like a burst of fresh air upon me. When I lived in the hostel, there used to be days when I would manage to get out and crash at Radhika’s place for a few days and it used to always be a blast. It was liberation. Then, it became my everyday life. The novelty soon wore off. Traditions were made such as going to Carter’s at 2 in the night and drinking boost. Traditions were broken- Drinking sessions in Sunlight somehow became a story of the past. Praniti and Madhuri, my other two roommates were people I knew from before but shifting in obviously made me a whole lot closer to them. It’s been a crazy ride with them too. The have been tiffs and drama but there have been some really good times which I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. The best part about moving here was the fact that I made a whole bunch of friends. Some of Radhika’s classmates are our neighbors and you know how it is with neighbors- you either love them or hate them, you chill with them or avoid them. Ron, Abhishek and Unmeelan are Radhika’s and Praniti’s classmates and Kelvin is their junior which is why they being neighbors had some effect on us. They kept coming over for some reason or the other, mostly to chill with us and slowly, they came to be an integral part of our lives. Birthday? We celebrated it with them. Holiday? We chilled with them. We still do so. They introduced us to some good music and were part of some really chill times. Memories are being made. It has been more than I could have ever asked for.

In a frenzy of partying and drinking and quite a lot of embarrassing drunk escapades later, the first semester of my last year drew to an end. The study leave pretty much flew by thanks to the almost constant inebriated state I decided to be in. I have Abhishek with his constant request to have shots with him to thank for this. Then, there is Madhuri who got me a shot every time she saw me cramping more information in than what my bran could handle. Surprisingly, I have done well enough in my exams. Maybe, this should be a ritual.

Anyway, it is crazy how these people, who are not even from my college have not just come to be so important to me but have also become the reason why my Third Year I’ll be so memorable. Of course, it is scary for me that I feel so much more about them than they do for me. Maybe, when the year ends and we pack our bags no one will give so much as a backward glance. I have realized though that these matters we shall worry about later. Now, let me just enjoy the ride!

This is me.

Quirky and excited as ever.

Ciao.