“Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us.” —Emery Allen.
Life is cruel. It makes you deal with things you don’t want to. Life is being stuck in a pit with a bear, like Brienne of Tarth in Game of Thrones. Except, there is no Jamie to rescue you. Or wait, Jamie is luck or Fate or Destiny or whatever. OMG! So, I just started watching GoT last month. I know that considering the fact that Season 5 is on, that is actually quite pathetic and sad. I finished three seasons and should be on Season 4 soon. But I don’t get the whole Breaking Bad or Game of Thrones extravaganza out there. I mean, they are so completely different, you can’t even compare the two. But I must accept, I have a soft corner for BrBa. I can’t explain my love. Jesse Pinkman probably has a lot to do with it. I mean he is just so BEAUTIFUL. However, GoT is also quite ‘hatke’ and truthfully, I love the blood and the gore. I hate that everyone I come to love ultimately dies but I still love the bloodshed. I really worry about my mental health sometimes. *SIGH*
Wow. Okay, I have drifted so far away from my point, as usual. I don’t know how others do it. Keep their mind in one line of though. My mind is just too fleeting. It just jumps from one thought to another before even I can fully formulate it. It’s terrible. So let me back up and return to the point I started with. Yes. So we lead a cruel life. I can’t seem to remember why but. Yes. Okay. No. I remember. Because you are stuck making sense of it, and why some things happen when you don’t want to. You are always put in positions that you want to avoid and you are stuck with it. It’s like being a racist in a Black Community. You are stuck there and if you want to survive, you better not go around making black jokes and racist remarks. Okay, I don’t make any sense. I have to talk about something else entirely. I need to stop digressing so much.
Goodbyes. You hate them but can’t avoid them. No amount of experience or practice makes it easy. It is always so painful and heart wrenching. It always comes with a promise also. “We will keep in touch”. “This won’t be the last time we see each other”. “I will see you around”. Initially, surviving without them seems so impossible, the promise of keeping in touch is almost for your own sake. So the first few weeks, we will text every day and maybe even call each other. Months will pass by and maybe you text each other on weekends. But then, weekends will get busier than weekdays. Months will roll by and then years. Soon, the people who you knew like the back of your hand will become a distant memory, just faces on some old photographs, a “Friend” on Facebook. The inevitable is here. Soon, we will have our life packed away in suitcases, waiting to move. To a different state, country, wherever the life takes us. We will forge a new lives for ourselves and maybe get so busy and happy that we won’t really have the time to pine for good ol’ days.
I am at that juncture now. College is life has officially ended. Exams are over, marks are out. All that is left is the actual Graduation ceremony. This is it. Life as we knew it, is about to change all over again. Oops. It has already changed. Before I left, I stood by the door of what will always in my heart be home to me and had what would possibly be, a one last look be inside. It was both so peaceful and heavy at the same time. Surreal, maybe. Like in that one second, I could see my life while I was there just play out. The laughter, the tears, the fights, the drama, all of it. Then, even though it was so hard to leave I felt happy. Happy that I got so lucky with the kind of life I got to live there, the kind of people I became friends with and all the memories I made. Sure, there is so much more I could have done. Sure, I do have regrets. But then again, life is never perfect.
Anyway, you may be wondering what is next on my agenda. I know, because recently that is the only thing people want to know from me. Like, I am supposed to have it all figured out already. If only I was actually that gifted and wonderful that I had a job all lined up for me even before college was done with. These over-achievers in life, I tell you. And here I am, wandering aimlessly, mailing random people and stalking companies and writers, begging them to give me a job. I ACTUALLY STALKED A FEW JOURNALISTS AND EDITORS ON FACEBOOK 😮 Every time I hit a dead-end, there is a voice in my head that goes all cynical. So, I am part convinced that I will never get a job and I will end up being a cashier in Nature’s Basket or Reliance and I will run into my current friends who came by to shop for their servants. I told you long back that I exaggerate like a crazy person.
So, yes. I am in that painful, heart-breaking and brain-numbing job hunt phase of life. It’s hard, obviously. I was just close to accepting that rejections are inevitable and painful, that I found something else altogether which is even more painful. It’s the wait. The wait that you know will never end because the companies that you dream of working with are way too busy to bother replying to some random person and say, “Sorry, but we don’t need you.” Job hunt scenes are way more heart wrenching for someone struggling with self-esteem issues than a normal person. At least, I assume it is. Every time I don’t hear back from someone I am quick to assume that it is because I am no good. I don’t even give myself the benefit of the doubt that maybe, just maybe it is because they have no openings. I know it is just the beginning. People always hunt for months before they land a job that they are satisfied with as well. I shouldn’t take it personally and just face things head on and let life take me wherever it takes me. It is still hard. Mostly because of who I am. I wish I was breezier about life. But tough luck. For me, that is.
It is scary. Every day is scary. Every day when I make up and check my mail and I find absolutely nothing, it is scary. I am scared to my very bones. What if I don’t find anything? What if NOBODY wants to hire me? When I was still in Bombay and things would get overwhelming, I would just go and annoy everyone else. Now that I am back home with no one else around me, it is a lot harder. But now and then, I remind myself to take a deep breath and step away. Music helps a lot. God! All those studies and researches that told music is therapy? They weren’t lying. Right now, I think music is the only thing that’s keeping me going. Mellow, sad, happy, slow, soulful, heart-felt music. You know, the kind of ones that move you to tears even though they are happy ones? The deep lyrics, the gentle strumming of the guitar, the soft drum beats, the happy rhythms; nothing can make you feel as happy. Music is something that can be your constant companion. In good times and bad times. Music always speaks to you. You know, like when you are in love or you have a crush and all the songs remind you of that other person or the time you spend with them. Or when you are sad and you just can’t seem to cry and get rid of that lump in your throat? You listen to some song and there it is, all the pain rolling down.
And then, I have this. I may not be the most followed blogger out there, I may not even have anything to say that you want to hear, but this blog is my release. Here, I can really be me and not worry. Because at the end of every post, no matter how shady, crazy, angry or weird it is, I am smiling. So, I pour out my heart and soul here. It’s probably why this blog is like my love child, my dirty little secret. I don’t really tell anyone about it. Hopefully, more people will just stumble upon it and think I am funny and wonderful. Okay, this post is not all about the happy, cheerful vibe I bring around. Maybe the last few posts have been a little on the not so happy side. Well, I did tell you. Rainbows and Guns. You got to love ALL OF ME 😉
So yes, painful goodbyes and heart breaking rejections later here I am, waiting away. For life to happen. To take me somewhere. I know you are supposed to just pack your bags and set out instead of waiting for the adventure to happen to you. If you led my life you would list out a 100 reasons, no less, why that would not be possible for me. So here I am. Hoping that the “winds” will carry me away to where my heart hopes. Hoping whatever lays ahead makes me happy. Hoping that I don’t end up a cashier in Nature’s Basket.
Here it is. Goodbyes and new beginnings. Until the next goodbye. Ugh…I really do hate goodbyes. It’s like putting a bullet through my heart and then reaching out, pulling it out of me and then, reviving me. Too graphic? Well, that is just how it is. I am not a fan of it either. We just got to suck it up and wait. For the next good thing. For life to take us to wherever it intends to take us. I am sure, it is somewhere good. I am seldom ever disappointed. Life is kind.
So, make a little prayer for me (A)
And I will be here. Waiting. Hoping. Updating.
This is me quirky and hopeful as ever