Step 1: Stalk him
Sure, it sounds antithetical to the idea of getting over someone. But, remember this: the ratio of how much you stalk the boy, his relatives, friends and all the exes and probable love-interests of his life is directly proportional to how miserable you will feel. Make sure you invest your time into this step, because the more you feel like shit, the more sooner you are likely to get over him. You stalk him till you can list all his allergies, the names of all his pets (dead and alive), his siblings and his favourite movies, books and bands, both forward and backwards.
Step 2: Text him and then give up on life
If you are going to spend 9 hours straight stalking someone, sure enough your fingers are going to start itching. Its just texting, you will tell yourself. Now, some of your friends will tell you to just be a bawse and do it, and others will tell you to get a life. Ignore all of them and listen to your vajayjay. What is it telling you? The more intensely you wish you could do him, the more important it is that you text him. One of three things will happen:
- He will text you back and you will have a lovely conversation
- You will get a chance to be a part of one of the worst text-conversations since the inception of mobile phones
- He will never text you back
The thing is, either way, at the end of it, you will feel like shit, because conversation or not, he ain’t ever gonna be into you, gurl.
Step 3: Make plans:
Convince yourself that this rabbit hole you are digging for yourself will really help you move on and make plans with him. Maybe go out for a few drinks. As you catch up, eyes hazing from the few too many drinks, maybe make a move? Or make up your mind to do that and then chicken out so you can beat yourself up over how you will most certainly die alone when you go to sleep ALONE that night. Maybe you can also obssess over the tiny details of that night over and over again until you can no longer breathe.
Step 4: Convince yourself that he is into your friend
Why wouldn’t he? He is hot, so is she. He would be nuts not be into her. I mean, there is nothing new about the boys you like being into your friends. It is like the one constant thing about your life. So, when he says something in passing about your friend, like, ‘Oh, she seems nice’ or ‘I think she is a fun person’, convince yourself that the only thing that line could mean is, ‘I AM SO INTO HER!’
Step 5:Hate your friend for a brief moment
This is going to sound very non-Gloria Steinem of me, and it makes every feminist bone in my body cringe, but I can’t help it. Hating your friend, the one who rubbed your back as you puked your guts out into the toilet or bought you dinner one too many times so that you don’t starve yourself to death, because you believe they are better than you, and hence better for your crush than you, is an unavoidable step. For a second, you will allow yourself to imagine the worst nightmare of yours and lose your sanity.
Step 6: Tell yourself that you have gone crazy
Gurl, you tripping it so hard, you just might be demented. I mean, first of all, he doesn’t like your friend. Even if he did, what could you possibly do about it? You didn’t even hit on him when you had the chance. Remind yourself that you are being a lame cry-baby and just get over him, already.
Step 7: Turn to meditation
Breathe in. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Breathe out. 5, 4, 3…Oh just give up, already. How the hell is meditation going to help you? What you should do, is meet him again. This time, bring on your A-game—be witty and super-flirty. But, you will never see through that plan, are you?
Step 8: Oh, who are you kidding?
The only reason that he won’t look at you is cause you a butt-ugly fat-ass piece of shit who doesn’t deserve love. Give into that spiral of self-loathing and negativity and just soak it all in. Make sure you let yourself believe that you are absolutely worthless and that you will never find love or any sort of happiness, EVER.
Step 9: Night out with the girls
Here the real healing begins. Go out drinking with your friends and obsess over this boy who has probably forgotten what you even look like.The number of drinks you have is directly proportional to how much you will wail that night. Go out drinking with your friends and obsess over this boy who has probably forgotten what you even look like. Start by cry internally. Then cry out loud on your way back home and freak out the auto driver who will then spent the reminder of the journey trying to ensure that you are not suicidal. FUN! But, the harder you cry, more massive the hangover the next day. Make sure you wake up with the mother of all hangovers. The worse the hangover, the less energy you have to think of him. Before you know it, he is ancient history.
Step 10: He is so yesterday
Gurl, you hella cute and crazy smart. Any boy would be lucky to just walk with you. If he doesn’t get it, he doesn’t deserve you. You can do better anyway. What about that really cute, yet another way-out-of-your-league guy that you met the other day. Maybe you can start obsessing over him, and start the cycle all over again.
Step 10+ Oh, he has put up a story. Omg. How cute is he?
If only you could just turn it of just like that. Ugh. Why does he have to be so darn adorable? I hate my life!